Several days ago I met a spider.
Not a cute roly poly cartoon spider but a big, black, hairy, (and I am quite sure about this next one) evil spider.
I met him while making my way to the bathroom for my morning shower.
Now this is not quite fair, since I actually sleep walk my way to the bathroom and only really wake up after soaking in the hot steam for at least 10 minutes.
Anyway I am walking in the semi darkness when out of the corner of my eye I spy a shadowy figure skitter across the floor.
I think skitter is a pretty good word here, since I am postitive I actually heard its 8 disgusting feet pitter pattering on the hardwood floor.
I appropriately did my patented "OMG I just saw a spider" hop skip move while at the same time flipping the light switch to ON just in time to see it disappear into a crack between the floor and the baseboard.
For some reason my shower wasn't as enjoyable that day....
Two days later I enter the bathroom, turn on the water to let it warm up and reach for my toothbrush – except something moved near the toothbrush holder. DagGone! It was that evil spider again! Ooooh this was a brave one for sure! I could just imagine it walking all over my toothbrush leaving it's toxins all over the place. This time while performing my "OMG I just saw a spider" move I also managed to knock the shower curtain down. I am pretty sure that I saw the spiders eyes glow a devilish red as it disappeared behind the mirror...
That night I tell Steve that there is a fire breathing spider that is stalking me and I need it to die right away. He just looks at me from the corner of his eye and asks. "Fire breathing? Really?" I assured him that I only escaped its near perfect aim by a fraction of an inch. I don't think he believed me...
Three days go by without a spider ambush and I started to let my guard down....a mistake! I jump into the shower and I am enjoying my sudsy shampoo when I notice that the water jets of the whirlpool tub were dirty. Ugh, it is time to scrub the tub again I say to myself. Then I wonder, why is that one water jet soooo much dirtier than the rest? Just then two long slender legs extend out of the water jet. As the spider revealed itself in slow motion (afterall, aren't all nightmares in slow motion?) I am positive I saw its fangs and they were dripping deadly poison! What do I do now? How much more vulnerable can a person be? Naked, shampoo dripping in my eyes, trapped in a tub with my arch enemy? I will tell you exactly what I did, I created a brand new move. I call it my "Holy Shit I am about to die from this hideous scary spider" move. It pretty much involved a total freakout, tearing down the shower curtain again and completely sopping the bathroom floor with shower water. I did however manage to rinse my hair for the most part (in the kitchen sink)...
Over dinner, I retell my sordid tale to Steve who simply rolled his eyes and shook his head. Why doesn't he ever believe me when I tell him there is man-eating arachnid hiding in the water jet? I vow to never shower again....
The next day I receive a text from Steve saying that he encountered my water jet spider and that I was right about it being huge, ugly and aggressive. It ran out of the water jet onto his foot!!! Thank God that was Steve and not me....I would have probably invented yet another "Spider move" most likely with dire consequences like a broken bone. He killed it, without fanfare, dramatic music, swordfights or even a small explosion. He simply washed it down the drain......Steve is my HERO!!
