Open Mouth, Insert Foot!!

This is a shorter story than I normally post but I have realized that you miss many of the comical things that happen simply because I have always thought of this blog as a place to dump my country silliness, when in reality it could and SHOULD be used for all types of silliness!  So, here goes (drum roll, please?)  This short little story happened while I was at work ( I am a high school teacher, when not playing in the dirt at home!) and is a prime example of me putting my foot in my mouth and also a morality tale on how quickly stories get passed around & CHANGED in the process (like the old telephone game!)
 So, one day last week we had a terrible wind storm that knocked out our power.  This meant my fan couldn't run which in turn means that I couldn't sleep.  So being up since 2 am I decide to shower and dress at home (by candlelight) and go to work early with the idea that I would finish hair and makeup there.  So, that is what I did and feeling a bit self conscious about whether I look like my normal self  I walk into the schools office and one of the secretaries compliments my shoes.  The other secretary says, "ooh, ooh, let me see"  As I am showing off my newest pair of high heels (I DO LOVE shoes) I say, "Ladies, meet my latest pair of sexy beasts!" (for this is what I call my shoes - don't ask why, it just is...).  I, of course, say this just as the principal comes out of his office with his face flushed.  I say, "sorry you had to hear that crazy girl talk."  He says, "No, I'm the one who is sorry, because I hate to tell you this but the Superintendent is sitting in my office!"  I am now mortified because our Districts Superintendent is very proper and straight-laced so I take the mature way out - I turn and run away as fast as my Sexy Beasts would carry me! (which was not very fast...)
Later in the day I see a friend who says, "I hear you impressed the Superintendent today with your shoes!"  OMG now I look around and I'm sure I see other adults in the area pointing and snickering, how many people know about this?  Just then a second teacher walks up and says, "Let me see those 'hooker hoofers!"  I respond with "What are you talking about?"  She says "you know, the shoes you showed the Superintendent this morning and told him they were your 'hooker hoofers!"  The first friend says, "I thought you called them your 'bitchy boots!'  "Now hold on one minute" I sputter, "First I didn't show the Super my shoes at all, I ran away and I called them Sexy Beasts, not Hooker Hoofers or Bitchy Boots - I mean, they are sandals for crying out loud!" The first friend says, "Well that's what I heard from the Principal!" and the second friend, "I heard my story from the custodian"  Just then a third friend walks up and says, "you talkin' about those 'stripper stilettos'?  I heard about it from someone in the math department!"
Moral of the story?  Look before you speak!!!

FAKER PIG!!

For several years my husband has wanted to raise a few pigs and my answer each time has been an emphatic "NO WAY, JOSE!" (even thought his name is Steve...)  Well, time takes it's toll and finally I said, "Fine, but I don't want to have anything to do with them!"  I should have known better... 

These pigs were dropped off at our house while we were at a track meet so our first order of business was unloading them from the crate and getting them into their new home.  This proved to be a task much more difficult than I ever imagined it to be.  These things were acrobats!  I mean, they were graceful like ballerinas at times and at others I swear they grew wings and could fly!! You know that saying, "When pigs fly?" well guess what!  I have seen it with my own eyes and they...can....FLY!! They squeezed through little tiny spaces they never should have been able to fit in, they sailed over barricades and zigged and zagged like the best NFL running back!  I was hot, sweaty and exhausted when finally, the pigs were in their pen.  All was well, or so I thought. 

The next morning I went out to do the chores and one of the pigs had a swollen rear leg and she was limping around – alas, it was broken.  A couple of days later, the pig was down on it's side.  The vet indicated that it would heal, but that we would lose the ham on that leg.  So began a twice-daily saga of caring for the pig.  This entailed two of us, almost always Dylan and I, (see what I mean about the earlier statement of not being involved in the care of these pigs was really a waste of breath for me?) holding the pig up into a semi sitting position while the other shoveled food towards its mouth in a bucket and then repeating the process with a bucket of water.  Needless to say neither job was desirable. This had gone on for nearly two weeks and both of us were more than a little tired of this added chore.

One day Dylan and walked into the barn quieter than normal and what did we see?  Both pigs STANDING in their pen and playing by throwing straw into the air!  "Awesome!  The pig is better!  We don't have to do this anymore!"  Dylan exclaimed.  When the injured pig heard him, she immediately threw herself onto her side and moaned, groaned and acted completely helpless.  She had been faking us out for who knows how long!?!  She was a FAKER PIG!!!  It probably didn't help much when Dylan and I both reacted very childishly by pointing and calling the pig names.  Needless to say, we simply left the food and water and walked away, all the while she lay there acting all helpless, rolling her eyes, you know, putting on a real show!  After a few feedings, she must have realized that the gig was up and started moving about the pen holding her own with the other more able-bodied pig.  We called her 'Gimps A Lot' after that and I might add that she was delicious! 

There's an Alligator in my pond!!!!

Last year we decided to dig a small pond at the back of our property.  Our yard was much too large and without a focal point as well as we needed some water control (after even a moderate rain our backyard turned into a small replica of the great black Swamp).  For the first year, the pond was only about ½ full and really looked more like a glorified mud puddle instead of the pond I had envisioned, but by the end of the summer, we had a few frogs and even a turtle that frequented it.  Ok, fast forward to this spring – with the copious amount of snowmelt along with the near constant rain in April, our pond has been filled to the brim and actually looks like a pond (although it still has no grass or landscaping – I hope to remedy this in the next few weeks...).   Wildlife have discovered the pond this year and nearly daily we stand at the back window looking to see what new critters have come for a visit.  We have had Canada Geese, Mallard ducks and some sort of nifty diving ducks – they actually dive under the surface of the water instead of tipping up – pretty cool.  We have seen a turtle again and, no joke about a million of frogs!!  Now, I like frogs as much as the next person – after all Kermit was a frog and as far as amphibians go, they do have cute little personalities, they love to sing, for instance.  Sitting outside is like going to see American Idol, but without Steven Tyler and J-Lo offering advice.... anyway, this all leads up to the amusing story, which follows.

As usual, I am standing at the back window looking for new inhabitants of the pond, when low and behold, what do I see?  An Alligator!!!! "Holy Cow, what.....is....that???"  I whispered under my breath.  It was a dark shape; fairly large, mostly submerged under the surface with what looked like two eyes just above the surface, just like an alligator!  I admit, I was a bit excited, and went to get the binoculars for a better look, but before I grabbed them, I announced to the house, "There's an alligator in the pond!!" with gusto.  By the time I was focusing the binocs, my youngest, Dylan bounded up next to me, 'Where? Where?"  "There! There!" I replied (we seem to resort to guttural, monosyllabic Cro-Magnon style of speaking when excited...) As I focused peered through the binocs, I could see that it was really a clump of weeds that had blown into the pond and the eyes were really seed pods, sticking above the surface, but I managed to keep that to myself for the time being.  "Dyl, why don't you put your shoes on and go out an get a closer look?" I suggested.  "Wait, I have watched Animal Planet shows, do you know how fast those things can move?  I'd be eaten alive!" he replied.  I countered with, "You run track, I am confident that you could move faster than him" While we are both alternately staring at each other and at the Alligator, Steve moved in behind us.  "What's all the commotion?"  "Mom thinks there's an alligator in the pond" Dylan replied with a smirk.  I couldn't believe it, my son had taken a page out of my own book of dirty tricks – he had just thrown me under the Alligator bus!  Steve simply said, "Dumbasses, it's a clump of weeds that blew into the pond, I already checked it out" as he turned to walk away.  Under his breath Dylan said what I was thinking..."Ah, but you checked, didn't you?!" 

Postscript:  Later that day I went back to check and the Alligator was gone.... or had it simply submerged....?!

Post, Post script:  When my oldest son, Nick came home for Easter weekend, I relayed the above story to him and here was his reply (in true brainiac style)  "While I am happy that you thought is was an alligator instead of a crocodile, since crocs are only indigenous to warm, tropical environments with access to saltwater.  The Nile crocodile lives in the Nile River, hence it's name while the saltwater crocodile lives in Australia.  There is one crocodile indigenous to the United State but is only found in the severe Southern states with access to the ocean or estuary areas, so it is highly unlikely that it could be a crocodile. An alligator on the other hand is only found in fresh water settings, most notably in the Yangtze River of China, however the American Alligator is fairly widespread in the lower States, it is NOT commonly found in the farm ponds of Ohio, mom."   Jeesh, can't a girl have a little fun???? 

Post, Post, Post script:  Later, I remembered that I had a concrete lawn ornament alligator and thought I'd have some fun with my Facebook friends by posting pictures of the alleged alligator in different areas of my yard......what a great GOTCHA moment!!

Happy Easter!!