The Mouse In My House

     Are you familiar with the Elf on the Shelf Christmas tradition?  If not, then the idea behind it is that an elf from the North Pole hides in different places of your home to report back to Santa each night about who's been naughty and nice.  Well, at my county home Santa sends a mouse to watch and report instead of an elf....so here’s my "There's A Mouse In My House" story.....(be sure to tune in everyday until Christmas!)

Day 1:  12/10/11

            T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house...(tap, tap, tap) What is that tapping on my door?  Why, it is the Christmas mouse, sent from Santa to watch and help determine whether the Waggy's belong on the Naughty or Nice list!

Day 2: 12/11/11

            Little mouse is having a nice dinner of Farmhouse Cheddar cheese and Raspberry wine, may I join you little mouse?

  Day 2: 12/11/11 Update

            Uh Oh!  Little mouse has over indulged in the wine!  Hey!! Did you drink all my wine???? Oh, Little Mouse.....

 Day 2: 12/11/11 Update:

             Little mouse is sleeping off his hangover...he was a soused mouse!!!!

Day 3: 12/12/11:

            Look who was waiting for me this morning.  Would you like some coffee Little Mouse?  Are you feeling better?  No more wine for you!

Day 4: 12/13/11: 
           Little Mouse gives Santa's instructions to the rest of the mice before sending them to other homes to watch other girls and boys.   
   ***A special note to my son Nick, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!  Love, Mom ***       

     
Day 5: 12/14/11:
            Little mouse is enjoying Charlie's Angels on TV....He asks, "What's going on with her makeup??"  I ask that same question myself every time I watch this movie, Little Mouse... 

Day 6: 12/15/11:
             Little Mouse has found a cozy spot to curl up and sleep after a hard day of spying....Shhh!  Little Mouse is sleeping... 

Day 7: 12/16/11:

            Little Mouse has hacked my Facebook account!! What a naughty mouse...what will Santa say?

 
Day 8: 12/17/11:

            Little mouse is reading the Christmas classic, "The Mouse That Made A House in the Christmas Cake" while snacking on a Christmas cookie.

  Day 9: 12/18/11:

          Look at all my cute Christmas ornaments, wait!  Little Mouse!  What are you doing in my tree?

  Day 10: 12/19/11:
            Ooops!  Excuse me!  I guess even little mice must use the little Mouse's room from time to time!

 Day 11: 12/20/11:

           Violence is NOT the answer, Little Mouse!

Day 12: 12/21/11:

            Little mouse startled me!  Oh!!  You are soooo naughty!!

 Day 13: 12/22/11:

            Is Little Mouse playing in the snow....or stalking the snowman???  Be nice, Little Mouse!

Day 14: 12/23/11:

            I think Little Mouse is getting homesick....I found him sitting in Santa's lap today....poor Little Mouse, it will be Christmas soon!

Day 15: 12/24/11:

            Little Mouse acknowledges the Reason for the Season.

 

 Day 16: 12/25/11:

            Little Mouse waits in this stocking for Santa to pick him up and take him home.  See you next year, Little Mouse!

 

A Text Conversation...

A text message conversation I had with a friend a few days ago....

ME:  Did you butt call me today and leave a 3 minute long butt voicemail for me?

FRIEND:  idk....maybe.  Just curious, what did my butt have to say?

ME: not much...

FRIEND: That's good!  I had Mexican food for lunch and my butt has been talking to me all afternoon!  lol

ME:  :(

THE BIG DAY (11/15/11)

 

There are so many days that we can't wait for in our lives...when we were kids it was our birthday, or Christmas or when we got to go visit Grandma's house. 

When we were teens it was when we turned 16 or the last day of school or graduation day. 

As an adult, I remember waiting for 18, then 19 and finally 21 to arrive (I had been legal and illegal so many times with the changing of the legal drinking age, I was really confused!).  

Other big days would be your wedding day, or the day your  children were born.  The first day of school each year, and many other milestones along the way such as Proms, Homecoming dances, Sports and Honor programs, winning International Science Fair, the day they receive their acceptance letter to college and finally graduation day.

Then there is the day they move out of your house and into the college dorm, and then you wait for the BIG DAY to arrive.  This is the day when our kids tell us that they miss us, that nothing compares to home cooked meals, and the simple joy of being in the same room as good ole' mom and dad. 

All the tears I shed while watching my children achieve all of the days listed above didn’t' compare to the tears that welled up in my eyes when I received the following text from my youngest son, now a Freshmen in college.  "For the first time since I left home I woke up this morning and missed you guys"  he said.  Gasp! THE BIG DAY had finally arrived! My boy misses me!!  I could hardly contain my excitement when I quickly texted back, "Oh, I miss you too!  What do you miss the most?"  I was just sure that he was going to say 'You of course mom!' Imagine my chagrine when he wrote back "clean clothes...."  

Maybe I don't miss him as much as I think I do!  LOL

A Spider Saga (10/6/11)

  Several days ago I met a spider.  Not a cute roly poly cartoon spider but a big, black, hairy, (and I am quite sure about this next one) evil spider.  I met him while making my way to the bathroom for my morning shower.  Now this is not quite fair, since I actually sleep walk my way to the bathroom and only really wake up after soaking in the hot steam for at least 10 minutes.  Anyway I am walking in the semi darkness when out of the corner of my eye I spy a shadowy figure skitter across the floor.  I think skitter is a pretty good word here, since I am postitive I actually heard its 8 disgusting feet pitter pattering on the hardwood floor.  I appropriately did my patented "OMG I just saw a spider" hop skip move while at the same time flipping the light switch to ON just in time to see it disappear into a crack between the floor and the baseboard.  For some reason my shower wasn't as enjoyable that day....

Two days later I enter the bathroom, turn on the water to let it warm up and reach for my toothbrush – except something moved near the toothbrush holder.  DagGone! It was that evil spider again! Ooooh this was a brave one for sure!  I could just imagine it walking all over my toothbrush leaving it's toxins all over the place.  This time while performing my "OMG I just saw a spider" move I also managed to knock the shower curtain down.  I am pretty sure that I saw the spiders eyes glow a devilish red as it disappeared behind the mirror...

That night I tell Steve that there is a fire breathing spider that is stalking me and I need it to die right away.  He just looks at me from the corner of his eye and asks. "Fire breathing?  Really?"  I assured him that I only escaped its near perfect aim by a fraction of an inch.  I don't think he believed me...

Three days go by without a spider ambush and I started to let my guard down....a mistake!  I jump into the shower and I am enjoying my sudsy shampoo when I notice that the water jets of the whirlpool tub were dirty.  Ugh, it is time to scrub the tub again I say to myself.  Then I wonder, why is that one water jet soooo much dirtier than the rest?  Just then two long slender legs extend out of the water jet.  As the spider revealed itself in slow motion (afterall, aren't all nightmares in slow motion?) I am positive I saw its fangs and they were dripping deadly poison!  What do I do now?  How much more vulnerable can a person be?  Naked, shampoo dripping in my eyes, trapped in a tub with my arch enemy?  I will tell you exactly what I did, I created a brand new move.  I call it my "Holy Shit I am about to die from this hideous scary spider" move. It pretty much involved a total freakout, tearing down the shower curtain again and completely sopping the bathroom floor with shower water.  I did however manage to rinse my hair for the most part (in the kitchen sink)... 

Over dinner, I retell my sordid tale to Steve who simply rolled his eyes and shook his head.  Why doesn't he ever believe me when I tell him there is man-eating arachnid hiding in the water jet?  I vow to never shower again....

The next day I receive a text from Steve saying that he encountered my water jet spider and that I was right about it being huge, ugly and aggressive.  It ran out of the water jet onto his foot!!!  Thank God that was Steve and not me....I would have probably invented yet another "Spider move" most likely with dire consequences like a broken bone.  He killed it, without fanfare, dramatic music, swordfights or even a small explosion.  He simply washed it down the drain......Steve is my HERO!!

New Year's Resolutions?? Or a To-Do List....?

I Love, Love, Love this greenhouse design and I think it would fit in perfectly on my property....now to convince the husband...

I like the idea behind this multiple rain barrel system, just wish it wasn't so....ugly  :(

I would love my prairie to look like this some day!

Gotta love the prairie look!  and it is good for the environment too!

My husband makes wine and so he needs his own vineyard!  I want to do this for him....

Purple Martins are such lovely birds, live in groups and eat TONS of bugs!

I miss my chickens and other poultry, but I vowed to not start another flock until I had both summer and winter housing for them....I also want to hatch my own eggs - so this is a big project!

For most people Ringing in the New Year is when resolutions are made but for me, I make my resolutions in the summer...I don't know why this is, it just is.  Maybe it is because I am a teacher by trade and so the summers are the time when I plan and dream for me instead of for a classroom of America's future or maybe it is the time that I feel most connected to the land, nature and my family.  But I have to say that my resolution lists always look more like a To Do List...see what you think.

1.  Work towards planting a fruit orchard...fruit trees, raspberry and blackberry canes, grape vines.

2.  Build an outdoor chicken coop, with covered outdoor area and maybe one of those cute chicken tractors I keep seeing in the farming magazines I get.

3.  Start the arduous process of creating an Ohio Native Prairie remnant on my property...this one will show up on my Resolution List for many, many years since this is how long it will take to accomplish this one....a labor of love I suppose.

4.  Build a greenhouse.

5.  Put out several gardens:  one for canning and freezing, one for immediate picking and eating and one just for salads...

6.  Become more self sustaining energy wise....solar panels, wind turbines, anything that will reduce my reliance on 'the man'.

7.  I need a rainbarrel!!  Wait, I need several rainbarrels!!  lol

8.  I want a Purple Martin house!!!

9.  I want my family to eat as close to home as possible – locally grown produce, meats, cheeses etc. are so much healthier and are eco-friendly choices.

10.  (This is a big one this year...)  My husband and I need to find a way to ease into this 'empty nester' business....For the past fantastic 22 years our hobby and focus has been on our kids, but now one is 22 and leaving college and the other is 18 and entering college....sigh...time to turn a new page....

Landscaping 2011

Same area as next picture but after the weeds have been removed...

This is what we started with....who woulda thought that a jungle could exist in the Midwest???

The Final Product

With summer brings To Do Lists longer than I am tall!  This year is worse than normal as we prepare for our youngest son's graduation party.  The planning for this event begins in February with choosing a date (June 11) and the start of planning out changes to be made to the house and property both inside and out.  In March, I painted the kitchen cupboards and walls.  In April, I refinished an antique stand that acts as a sink in my bathroom and in May I began working outside in my landscaping beds. 

Unfortunately Mother Nature also chose this time to dump a record amount of rain on Northwest Ohio.  It rained, and rained, and rained, and...well you get the idea!  I went from window to window looking for a dry land, but alas, none was in sight.  Each day of rain meant a revamping of the 'To Do List' and prioritizing what was left on it.  Finally, when it stopped raining in late, late May, it took about a week for everything to dry out enough to be able to slop through the mud to get to the landscaping.  The lawn couldn't be mowed because the mower kept getting stuck and all my plants that I had nurseried over the winter had to be patient.  But that was only the beginning....pulling weeds when they are growing in mud is more difficult that one might think.  I mean when pulling a weed from wet soil, you get the whole root (which is awesome) but when pulling a weed from mud, you get about 10 pounds of mud along with the weed and the root!  So, I spent a lot of time pulling mud off of the roots of the weeds I was pulling.....it is as exhausting in real life as it sounds in writing!  This really slowed me down and wore me out.  Next, the sun turned up it's wattage and I quickly went from living in a swamp to living in a jungle!  I mean the weeds were now knee high and growing fast!  So I did what any mother would do....I recruited my soon to be graduating son to help.  What this really meant was I did about 2 feet of work and he did about 8 feet of work.  Ah, to be young and strong!  Together, we were able to tame the landscape, put down weed barrier and spread mulch!  But instead of taking about a week, it took a full 2 weeks to pull together!

On top of that, everything we touched broke....let's see there was the power-washer, two weedeaters, tractor, lawn mower, tank sprayer, rototiller and a flat tire on the wheelbarrow!!!  How is a girl supposed to get anything done when everything is broken???

The day before the party, the shrubs and trees that had been waiting patiently to be planted finally made it into the ground and the plants that were already established began to bloom – the yard looked beautiful!

Part of living in the country is Hard Work and Working Hard. The best part though is sitting on the front porch with an iced tea and an overwhelming sense of accomplishment at a job well done!  Oh, and my newly defined biceps are a nice perk too! 

Mother's Day 2011

Me sitting on top of a natural springs that mark the head of a river

Nick, my oldest behind one of the many waterfalls

My husband Steve, looking happy!  He really does smile....just not for cameras!

Dylan and I just before he left for his Senior Prom - so handsome!

Ahhhh, Mother's Day....

This year Mother's Day fell on a very busy weekend.  My youngest son was attending his Senior prom and so this of course meant that mom was up at the butt-crack of dawn to be sure the day went smoothly.  But first my loving hubby took me to one of my fav restaurants for breakfast.  Breakfast is by far my most favorite meal to have someone else make for me, preferably a restaurant where they also clean the kitchen and wash the dishes afterwards as well! 

After breakfast we were off to the store to pick up supplies to prepare the car for the big night out and to purchase Mother's Day gifts.  We then scooted out to my mom's for a short visit and gift giving.  Then a 15 minutes drive to my Mother-in-laws to repeat the process. 

Now it was time to visit the carwash.  After some miscommunications between my husband and I (mostly in regards to whether or not it is acceptable to spray each other with the cold water...) we had a pretty spiffy looking car.  The inside was vacuumed, trash removed and the interior detailed. 

The weather cooperated nicely (for a change) and we took some very nice photos of the group of friends that had paired up for the prom – they all looked soooo nice! Soon they were off for good food, friendship and tons of fun!

The next morning, Dylan was off to work (yes, he had to work the morning after prom....slave-drivers!)  And my husband, Steve announced we were going to see my oldest son, Nick for Mother's day!  I was very excited – I don’t get to see Nick very often.  Nick had the whole day planned, hiking, lunch at a small restaurant he had discovered, shopping, antiquing...it was blissful, no, it was phenomenal (to borrow one of his favorite words)!  After spending most of the day it was time to head home.  When I got there Dylan had a gift for me as well, a CD of one of my favorite music collections....GLEE!!  Yes, that's right, I am a proud Gleek!!! 

It was truly a wonderful weekend spent with those who I love the most – thank you guys for a Mother's Day to remember!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot!!

This is a shorter story than I normally post but I have realized that you miss many of the comical things that happen simply because I have always thought of this blog as a place to dump my country silliness, when in reality it could and SHOULD be used for all types of silliness!  So, here goes (drum roll, please?)  This short little story happened while I was at work ( I am a high school teacher, when not playing in the dirt at home!) and is a prime example of me putting my foot in my mouth and also a morality tale on how quickly stories get passed around & CHANGED in the process (like the old telephone game!)
 So, one day last week we had a terrible wind storm that knocked out our power.  This meant my fan couldn't run which in turn means that I couldn't sleep.  So being up since 2 am I decide to shower and dress at home (by candlelight) and go to work early with the idea that I would finish hair and makeup there.  So, that is what I did and feeling a bit self conscious about whether I look like my normal self  I walk into the schools office and one of the secretaries compliments my shoes.  The other secretary says, "ooh, ooh, let me see"  As I am showing off my newest pair of high heels (I DO LOVE shoes) I say, "Ladies, meet my latest pair of sexy beasts!" (for this is what I call my shoes - don't ask why, it just is...).  I, of course, say this just as the principal comes out of his office with his face flushed.  I say, "sorry you had to hear that crazy girl talk."  He says, "No, I'm the one who is sorry, because I hate to tell you this but the Superintendent is sitting in my office!"  I am now mortified because our Districts Superintendent is very proper and straight-laced so I take the mature way out - I turn and run away as fast as my Sexy Beasts would carry me! (which was not very fast...)
Later in the day I see a friend who says, "I hear you impressed the Superintendent today with your shoes!"  OMG now I look around and I'm sure I see other adults in the area pointing and snickering, how many people know about this?  Just then a second teacher walks up and says, "Let me see those 'hooker hoofers!"  I respond with "What are you talking about?"  She says "you know, the shoes you showed the Superintendent this morning and told him they were your 'hooker hoofers!"  The first friend says, "I thought you called them your 'bitchy boots!'  "Now hold on one minute" I sputter, "First I didn't show the Super my shoes at all, I ran away and I called them Sexy Beasts, not Hooker Hoofers or Bitchy Boots - I mean, they are sandals for crying out loud!" The first friend says, "Well that's what I heard from the Principal!" and the second friend, "I heard my story from the custodian"  Just then a third friend walks up and says, "you talkin' about those 'stripper stilettos'?  I heard about it from someone in the math department!"
Moral of the story?  Look before you speak!!!

FAKER PIG!!

For several years my husband has wanted to raise a few pigs and my answer each time has been an emphatic "NO WAY, JOSE!" (even thought his name is Steve...)  Well, time takes it's toll and finally I said, "Fine, but I don't want to have anything to do with them!"  I should have known better... 

These pigs were dropped off at our house while we were at a track meet so our first order of business was unloading them from the crate and getting them into their new home.  This proved to be a task much more difficult than I ever imagined it to be.  These things were acrobats!  I mean, they were graceful like ballerinas at times and at others I swear they grew wings and could fly!! You know that saying, "When pigs fly?" well guess what!  I have seen it with my own eyes and they...can....FLY!! They squeezed through little tiny spaces they never should have been able to fit in, they sailed over barricades and zigged and zagged like the best NFL running back!  I was hot, sweaty and exhausted when finally, the pigs were in their pen.  All was well, or so I thought. 

The next morning I went out to do the chores and one of the pigs had a swollen rear leg and she was limping around – alas, it was broken.  A couple of days later, the pig was down on it's side.  The vet indicated that it would heal, but that we would lose the ham on that leg.  So began a twice-daily saga of caring for the pig.  This entailed two of us, almost always Dylan and I, (see what I mean about the earlier statement of not being involved in the care of these pigs was really a waste of breath for me?) holding the pig up into a semi sitting position while the other shoveled food towards its mouth in a bucket and then repeating the process with a bucket of water.  Needless to say neither job was desirable. This had gone on for nearly two weeks and both of us were more than a little tired of this added chore.

One day Dylan and walked into the barn quieter than normal and what did we see?  Both pigs STANDING in their pen and playing by throwing straw into the air!  "Awesome!  The pig is better!  We don't have to do this anymore!"  Dylan exclaimed.  When the injured pig heard him, she immediately threw herself onto her side and moaned, groaned and acted completely helpless.  She had been faking us out for who knows how long!?!  She was a FAKER PIG!!!  It probably didn't help much when Dylan and I both reacted very childishly by pointing and calling the pig names.  Needless to say, we simply left the food and water and walked away, all the while she lay there acting all helpless, rolling her eyes, you know, putting on a real show!  After a few feedings, she must have realized that the gig was up and started moving about the pen holding her own with the other more able-bodied pig.  We called her 'Gimps A Lot' after that and I might add that she was delicious! 

There's an Alligator in my pond!!!!

Last year we decided to dig a small pond at the back of our property.  Our yard was much too large and without a focal point as well as we needed some water control (after even a moderate rain our backyard turned into a small replica of the great black Swamp).  For the first year, the pond was only about ½ full and really looked more like a glorified mud puddle instead of the pond I had envisioned, but by the end of the summer, we had a few frogs and even a turtle that frequented it.  Ok, fast forward to this spring – with the copious amount of snowmelt along with the near constant rain in April, our pond has been filled to the brim and actually looks like a pond (although it still has no grass or landscaping – I hope to remedy this in the next few weeks...).   Wildlife have discovered the pond this year and nearly daily we stand at the back window looking to see what new critters have come for a visit.  We have had Canada Geese, Mallard ducks and some sort of nifty diving ducks – they actually dive under the surface of the water instead of tipping up – pretty cool.  We have seen a turtle again and, no joke about a million of frogs!!  Now, I like frogs as much as the next person – after all Kermit was a frog and as far as amphibians go, they do have cute little personalities, they love to sing, for instance.  Sitting outside is like going to see American Idol, but without Steven Tyler and J-Lo offering advice.... anyway, this all leads up to the amusing story, which follows.

As usual, I am standing at the back window looking for new inhabitants of the pond, when low and behold, what do I see?  An Alligator!!!! "Holy Cow, what.....is....that???"  I whispered under my breath.  It was a dark shape; fairly large, mostly submerged under the surface with what looked like two eyes just above the surface, just like an alligator!  I admit, I was a bit excited, and went to get the binoculars for a better look, but before I grabbed them, I announced to the house, "There's an alligator in the pond!!" with gusto.  By the time I was focusing the binocs, my youngest, Dylan bounded up next to me, 'Where? Where?"  "There! There!" I replied (we seem to resort to guttural, monosyllabic Cro-Magnon style of speaking when excited...) As I focused peered through the binocs, I could see that it was really a clump of weeds that had blown into the pond and the eyes were really seed pods, sticking above the surface, but I managed to keep that to myself for the time being.  "Dyl, why don't you put your shoes on and go out an get a closer look?" I suggested.  "Wait, I have watched Animal Planet shows, do you know how fast those things can move?  I'd be eaten alive!" he replied.  I countered with, "You run track, I am confident that you could move faster than him" While we are both alternately staring at each other and at the Alligator, Steve moved in behind us.  "What's all the commotion?"  "Mom thinks there's an alligator in the pond" Dylan replied with a smirk.  I couldn't believe it, my son had taken a page out of my own book of dirty tricks – he had just thrown me under the Alligator bus!  Steve simply said, "Dumbasses, it's a clump of weeds that blew into the pond, I already checked it out" as he turned to walk away.  Under his breath Dylan said what I was thinking..."Ah, but you checked, didn't you?!" 

Postscript:  Later that day I went back to check and the Alligator was gone.... or had it simply submerged....?!

Post, Post script:  When my oldest son, Nick came home for Easter weekend, I relayed the above story to him and here was his reply (in true brainiac style)  "While I am happy that you thought is was an alligator instead of a crocodile, since crocs are only indigenous to warm, tropical environments with access to saltwater.  The Nile crocodile lives in the Nile River, hence it's name while the saltwater crocodile lives in Australia.  There is one crocodile indigenous to the United State but is only found in the severe Southern states with access to the ocean or estuary areas, so it is highly unlikely that it could be a crocodile. An alligator on the other hand is only found in fresh water settings, most notably in the Yangtze River of China, however the American Alligator is fairly widespread in the lower States, it is NOT commonly found in the farm ponds of Ohio, mom."   Jeesh, can't a girl have a little fun???? 

Post, Post, Post script:  Later, I remembered that I had a concrete lawn ornament alligator and thought I'd have some fun with my Facebook friends by posting pictures of the alleged alligator in different areas of my yard......what a great GOTCHA moment!!

Happy Easter!!

Bandits and Chickens...

      Oh, gotta love the country life!  We had been being plagued lately by a family of raccoons that come under the cover of darkness and raid our pop fridge on the back porch (yes, I have a refrigerator on my porch....). 
     Now the first night, they hit the jackpot and feasted on pretzels left over from the concession stand that I was doling out to the dog as treats....the next night, they helped themselves to a tupperware container of beef stew, (damn them, I was looking forward to that stew) and the third night managed to damage several cans of my precious Pepsi (I only allow myself one can a day and they destroyed FOUR cans!  The nerve!!  That was it!!  Realizing that these bandits were not going to stop raiding the fridge for a free meal, I moved my live trap (yes the same one that has not been tripped yet in my search of the chicken killing weasel) to the back yard and baited it with marshmallows.  Bingo!  The next morning I had myself a teenaged raccoon.  I drove him down the road a couple of miles and released him.  The next morning Bam!  I had another one!!  I was on a roll & and began wondering "how many babies do coons have anyway?"  In other words the novelty had worn off and I really didn't want to spend the rest of the summer driving coons off to better pastures! 
     The third night I was out of marshmallows and used vanilla wafer cookies instead and the next morning I was rewarded with yet another teenaged raccoon.  This one however was feisty and shredded the blanket that I threw over the cage in an attempt to calm the little beasty down....needless to say he didn’t quite make it the full two miles to his release destination as he was having a cow in the back of the car....(that is such a funny expression seeing as cow babies are MUCH bigger than racoons are, lol) so he only traveled about 1 mile away.  Hoping that was far enough I opened the trap and Zoom!  off he went (hopefully never to be seen again!).   
     The last night I set the trap, again using vanilla wafer cookies and crossed my fingers, hoping that momma herself would be in the trap and my family of night-time bandits would be gone and therefore my Pepsi stash safe.  The next morning, nothing in the cage.....the second morning, nothing in the cage.....the third morning it was pouring down rain. Now, please understand, this was not a nice warm summer rain but a freezing, drenching downpour the likes that Noah no doubt encountered while traveling around on his ark!  I look out hoping that the trap is again empty but I was wrong!  I had caught a varmint afterall, one that apparently loves vanilla wafers and is curious enough to get itself in trouble.  It also was sitting in a low spot of the yard and the water was slowly getting deeper and the soaking creature was standing as tall as it could to keep its body out of the rising tide.  But instead of rejoicing in my capture I was mortified to see that I had caught my very own lead hen!!   
     Now for those of you who don’t know much about chickens, there is a reason for the saying "mad as a wet hen" they DO NOT like water at all and she was pissed off!  She was squacking and carrying on (jeesh... like I was trying to catch a chicken)!  Chickens also have a physical weakness when it comes to water – they absolutely cannot get water in their ears – it means almost certain death (think of swimmers ear on steroids!).  So, after much arguing, and then some cajoling and yes, even a little begging, I get her out of the cage and wrap her up in a bath towel, like a chicken taco and then dried her head as good as possible (she didn’t think much of that procedure either).  I then used my umbrella to keep her dry and took her to the barn and placed her in the coop with the heat lamp on to warm up and dry out.  She immediately collapsed and flattened herself out with wings widespread to soak up the heat (she is a bit of a drama queen...) You know not even a cluck of a thanks for "saving my life" from her – silly ungrateful bird!  Needless to say,  I did not reset the trap....I had enough adventure for a few days!

The Scooter Store (July, 2010)

I arrived home tonight, and much like any other night grabbed the mail, patted the dog and kicked off my shoes as soon as entering the house.

And like many of you I quickly rifled through the stack of mail...mumbling under my breath a litany of what was received "bill, bill, junk, college solicitation for Dylan, credit card solicitation for Nick, bill, bill, Scooter Store special offer – SAY WHAT???" 

When I looked to see who it was addressed to (surely it was for my Grandmother) I saw the following fateful words:  Mrs. Corrina Waggy.   Again, I say, "SAY WHAT????  What is this crap about?"  I mean I know that my joints are less limber than they used to be, and I have sometimes awakened to find that one or both ankles somehow became inexplicably frozen overnight!   So frozen in fact, that I would have to manually manipulate my feet back and forth (yes, with my hands) in order to loosen the joints up enough to stand... and yes, I admit that every morning the first few steps I take out of bed are stumbling and stiff legged, resembling the walk of a drunken pirate with two wooden peg legs...(Allow that one to sink in a bit...) BUT STILL!!!   WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?  

I do NOT need a scooter!  I am a somewhat able bodied mid forty something woman after all!  JEEZ!!  So as I continued to rant and rave in my head regarding the audacity of a company sending a Scooter Store flyer to me – ME after all!  A SCOOTER?  I strolled to the kitchen and expertly washed down my three horse pill sized Glucosamine Chondroitin tablets to soothe my aching knees and ankles, oh and why not, let's throw in a couple of extra strength Excedrin while I'm at it.  What could they be suggesting by sending me this flyer? 

Why! I should destroy the letter right now! But how??

            I could stomp on it but that might hurt my knees...

            I could throw it to the ground and pile drive it but I fear my elbow would keep me up tonight and then there is the secondary problem of picking it up off the floor afterwards – the lower back and hips really don't appreciate having to bend down that much anymore...(sigh)

So, how to destroy it? 

            Fire, perhaps?...no too much work and too much odor. 

            Tear it into small pieces? Nah, my fingers are sore from grading copious amounts of quizzes today....

            How about if I put it in the cat litter box and let the kittens take care of it, I think to myself?  No, I would just end up having to clean up the mess. 

Finally, I decided to be mature about this and give them the cold shoulder treatment.  After all, I have decades of practice in this area (poor Steve).  So I carried the offending piece of mail between my pointer finger and thumb with my other fingers properly splayed out to display my complete and utter disgust and scrunched up my face as though I just smelled something horribly rotten.  I marched with purpose to the trashcan, stomped on the little pedal and unceremoniously dropped it unopened into the garbage.  "That'll show 'em", I thought as I dusted off my hands, symbolically removing any trace of the suggestion that I need a Scooter chair, grabbed a cookie and walked into the living room.

***Disclamer:  The above is most definitely an over-exaggeration of my aches and pains.  Really I only have aching ankles and knees and occasionally a sore hip and of course when the Kerr defect acts up a stiff neck and shoulders.  And I really did have sore fingers today from grading huge numbers of papers, very quickly, and with an uncomfortable pen....but I assure you, I DO NOT NEED A SCOOTER CHAIR!!