I arrived home tonight, and much like any other night grabbed the mail, patted the dog and kicked off my shoes as soon as entering the house.
And like many of you I quickly rifled through the stack of mail...mumbling under my breath a litany of what was received "bill, bill, junk, college solicitation for Dylan, credit card solicitation for Nick, bill, bill, Scooter Store special offer – SAY WHAT???"
When I looked to see who it was addressed to (surely it was for my Grandmother) I saw the following fateful words: Mrs. Corrina Waggy. Again, I say, "SAY WHAT???? What is this crap about?" I mean I know that my joints are less limber than they used to be, and I have sometimes awakened to find that one or both ankles somehow became inexplicably frozen overnight! So frozen in fact, that I would have to manually manipulate my feet back and forth (yes, with my hands) in order to loosen the joints up enough to stand... and yes, I admit that every morning the first few steps I take out of bed are stumbling and stiff legged, resembling the walk of a drunken pirate with two wooden peg legs...(Allow that one to sink in a bit...) BUT STILL!!! WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
I do NOT need a scooter! I am a somewhat able bodied mid forty something woman after all! JEEZ!! So as I continued to rant and rave in my head regarding the audacity of a company sending a Scooter Store flyer to me – ME after all! A SCOOTER? I strolled to the kitchen and expertly washed down my three horse pill sized Glucosamine Chondroitin tablets to soothe my aching knees and ankles, oh and why not, let's throw in a couple of extra strength Excedrin while I'm at it. What could they be suggesting by sending me this flyer?
Why! I should destroy the letter right now! But how??
I could stomp on it but that might hurt my knees...
I could throw it to the ground and pile drive it but I fear my elbow would keep me up tonight and then there is the secondary problem of picking it up off the floor afterwards – the lower back and hips really don't appreciate having to bend down that much anymore...(sigh)
So, how to destroy it?
Fire, perhaps?...no too much work and too much odor.
Tear it into small pieces? Nah, my fingers are sore from grading copious amounts of quizzes today....
How about if I put it in the cat litter box and let the kittens take care of it, I think to myself? No, I would just end up having to clean up the mess.
Finally, I decided to be mature about this and give them the cold shoulder treatment. After all, I have decades of practice in this area (poor Steve). So I carried the offending piece of mail between my pointer finger and thumb with my other fingers properly splayed out to display my complete and utter disgust and scrunched up my face as though I just smelled something horribly rotten. I marched with purpose to the trashcan, stomped on the little pedal and unceremoniously dropped it unopened into the garbage. "That'll show 'em", I thought as I dusted off my hands, symbolically removing any trace of the suggestion that I need a Scooter chair, grabbed a cookie and walked into the living room.
***Disclamer: The above is most definitely an over-exaggeration of my aches and pains. Really I only have aching ankles and knees and occasionally a sore hip and of course when the Kerr defect acts up a stiff neck and shoulders. And I really did have sore fingers today from grading huge numbers of papers, very quickly, and with an uncomfortable pen....but I assure you, I DO NOT NEED A SCOOTER CHAIR!!
No comments:
Post a Comment